My "Me" Journey

The story I'm about to share is very personal. I've wanted to share for awhile but wasn't really willing to talk about it until recently. But, I feel like this is something that might help others who are heading towards or are in the same situation I found myself in. 2012 was quite the learning year. I'm glad it's over. I'm glad I feel good again. And I'm very happy for what I was able to learn. So let's go clear back to the very beginning to understand a little background... If this was a TV show, I'd be saying in my announcer voice, "Previously, on the life of Mindi..."

As soon as I hit my 6 week mark after having Miss Nora, I was antsy to get back to exercising, a large reason was to get back into shape because I wanted to start teaching a group fitness class called TurboKick. The end-ish of the summer came and I had kind of hit a plateau, so I changed some of the foods I was eating and the pounds started coming off. This continued on through the end of the year. I started to get close to the number I'd had in the back of my head as my goal weight, but I was still unhappy with how I looked. We also found out right around this time that my husband was leaving at the first of the year for a 3 month military training. To help keep me motivated and focused and push through those last few pounds I was hoping for, I signed up for a Biggest Loser competition at the gym.

Now enter the year 2012.

Husband left and I started a very intense weight lifting program that also included a strict nutritional plan. I had bi-weekly weigh-ins to track my weight. I was hoping to lose .5-1 lb. a week. I started thinking past my previous goal weight to something I couldn't even remember the last time I weighed that. It was an extra 10 lbs. Which, at the time, was only 10 lbs to me. Nothing significant and shouldn't be that hard.

The weeks moved on and as I did more research and more training, I learned more and more about the kind of food - and how much food - I (thought) should be eating. I pushed myself hard for 2 hours every day, usually 6 days a week. I was counting calories like crazy, writing everything down all the time. I was putting so much energy into this all while my husband was gone and I was doing family, including still nursing an infant, household, and motel by myself.

I got to the second-to-last weigh in after a hard a few weeks and realized I still had 'x' number of pounds left to lose to reach this goal I had in mind. It was a lot of weight to lose in only two weeks, like a lot. But, I re-calculated my daily caloric intake and upped my calories burned a day so that mathematically I should reach that number on the last weigh in. So I did it. After intensely working out 2 hours every morning, I would also do 1-2 hours at night after the kids were asleep. I was still nursing, and was only allowing myself to eat 'x' number of calories (which I'm really not going to share because the numbers don't matter anyway).

The results of my effort? I hit the goal on the last weigh in. Was I happy? On the outside I pretended like I was. Was I really? Looking back, no. I wasn't. This was on a Saturday. The next day was Easter. I knew we were going to have a yummy dinner and I was going to enjoy every bite, including the very very bad cake I made for the family party, then start again on Monday. Monday came and I did not want to eat the same thing I'd had for breakfast 95% of the time for the last 3 months. So I didn't. Then lunch came. The thought of eating another salad, which is what I'd had for lunch about 95% of the time for the last 3 months, made me want to gag. There were leftovers of the very, very bad cake I made for Easter, so I stood at the fridge, door open, eating out of the pan, 2 or 3 times a day. This, of course, continued on.

Then came May. I went to a doTERRA Essential Oils class because I wanted to learn more about how these oils work, why they work, and how can I use them in my family. I took a test while I was there that tells you what oils your body needs at that time and why. My very top oil was a surprise and as I read the description, I wasn't really sure how that even fit it with me. Then I read an emotional description of what this particular oil helps with and one of the main things that stuck out to me was malnutrition, which I completely just brushed aside at the time, thinking, "Huh, that's interesting, but no, not me." (Side note, this is when I started using oils on my family and it didn't take long for me to be completely sold on their incredible uses.)

The slump that I felt the first week after I finished the Biggest Loser continued on, and worsened, throughout the summer. I went to the extremes. I pushed myself too hard. I got so focused on a number on a scale. I wanted to have that 'perfect' body that the media and society tells us we should have. I was so focused on my body, that I forgot about my spirit. And when I reached my limit, I jumped right over to the other extreme. I wanted to eat junk. I didn't want to do even light exercises. I'd go to the gym and not be even the slightest bit motivated to do anything. I didn't actually weigh myself, but I'm pretty sure by the way my clothes fit, that I gained almost everything back by the end of the summer.

Meanwhile, our pocketbook was getting smaller, and we decided that we needed to make some cuts, including our gym membership. I was starting to make connections with what I was doing and where it came from, and was starting to work on some of these issues in my head and little with Corey. The atmosphere of the gym turned into a negative influence. That's where 'it' all started and where I got to an unhealthy level. I knew I needed to stay away for awhile. I slowly started to come back to my senses about exercising and eating. It was about this time that we decided to eat a more 'real food' approved diet. I made a plan to exercise with some friends in our garage. As fall approached, I was ready to admit to myself the detrimental actions I had taken to achieve what I thought I was supposed to physically look like.

Eating a 'real food' diet is almost the complete opposite of what I was doing. You do not look at numbers at all - no calories, no fat grams, no sugar grams (checkout #9). Plainly stated, if you are eating a well-balanced, whole foods approved diet, you have nothing to worry about.

So where am I today? I understand and have accepted more fully the body that I was blessed with. I understand more fully that true beauty comes from the inside. I am officially on to teach my favorite class at the gym. I have emotionally healed. I am still staying away from weighing myself unless I have to at something like the OB's office (nope, not pregnant, jus' saying...). I do not look at numbers on food labels, I look at ingredients (do you know how many forms of 'sugar' there are?).

My new motto, and I hope others will join me by changing their thinking as well, is not to look healthy, but to BE healthy.